Help and confusion

[Kia]

I haven´t been on in over a month. I have wanted nothing more than to do this 90 day juice feast. The people that have added me as a friend, I just want to thank them for reaching out. Everyone in this community is so helpful, and inspiring, and as a group we all just collectively want to feel human. I just don´t know why everyday of my life I have to fight with myself about doing what is the greatest good for me. I have lost the battle to food all of my life. I am in constant turmoil. I ran off to Thailand in 2006 to get away from it for three months...and I did. But when I got back home, I was still here. And I am everywhere. It´s like in order for me to succeed I have to not be what I THINK that I am. I keep waiting for that moment when the light kicks on. I´m 27. I´ve been trying to be a raw foodist since I was 17. That´s ten years of knowing how to change my life and just deciding not to do it. I feel crazy, and I feel lost. I feel like I was never meant to succeed. With each attempt I am losing a little more confidence because I keep letting myself down. I´ve been on diets since I was 9, and my body is just ready to give up. My MINd is just ready to give up. from beating itself down every freakin day of my life. Every day since I was 9 there has not been a full day where I was not concerned about the way that I look. That´s 6,570 days of wanting to be something other than what I am. How do I turn that around in 90? How can that be true? I absolutely know that it is true, but I obviously don´t believe that it can happen to me or that I am capable of doing it. Why? I´m just so tired. I ´m just so tired of having these same thoughts, of not being able to move my body the way I want to, and just being afraid to love people. I have never had an honest to god true boyfriend, and i´m 27. I´ve never been able to love unconditionally. I just want to be free. I want to not worry, and to not be scared and to not care to be judged. I want to try,and give everything to everyone and everybody. But I can do nothing for myself. i fall short when it comes to me. I ´m not looking for answers I guess. i already know them. I´ve know them forever. What is it that stops us from applying what we know is better. I often have gone to sleep praying that if I was smaller when I got up i promise i would do anything he wanted me to, or if he just told me themagic remedy I would do it, no questions asked. Isn´t this what that is? A remedy for what ails you? Mentally and physically? Well why can I not do it? If ti was in a pill I wouldn´t be consistent. I´m tired of this fighting inside of me.
Kia

[Sharon]

Hi Kia, I read you blog and believe me I know where you are coming from. Know that you are not alone. A lot of us have been there. I am in Atlanta. If you need additional support please let me. I know I could use someone to help hold me accountable! :) There are some great support groups in Atlanta as well I can hip you too. Peace and Blessing.

[Prudence]

Hi, Kia. For what it's worth, your picture shows a beautiful, bright-eyed, happy woman whom I'd be proud to have for a friend. You are that person much of the time -- probably more of the time than you were ten years ago. We're all growing into our best selves slowly but surely. It's a minute-by-minute process, and right now, you're making some pretty wonderful choices that nurture your body and mind. How many 27-year-olds are doing the wonderful things you're doing? Not many, I'll bet. You're on the leading edge. Give yourself a hug of congratulations. You're on the path. That's all that matters. Blessings to you!!!!

[Melissa]

Kia,

I'm there with you. I've been over 100 lbs overweight since I was around 13-14 and am now 35. I have never stopped trying to lose the weight and will never stop, so believe me, I know what it feels like to be stuck.

I keep telling myself that losing weight can't be the goal, that it has to be the by-product of getting healthy - emotionally, spiritually, physically, psychologically...but yet, when it comes right down to it, deep down inside, my main movtivation for any type of diet/lifestyle change is always the weight loss. Which I suspect may be one of the reasons I have not yet succeeded at this goal.

Kia, DO NOT LET YOURSELF GIVE UP!!! You will find a way. I know that juice feasting, being raw and exercise are the only ways I personally can be/get healthy, and for me, at least knowing that, having that firmly in my mind, is one step in the right direction.

For me though, and I suspect for many others, its not about the food so much as about what's in my brain and heart...its the WHY??? Why do I eat out of control, why do I know so clearly what I need but can't seem to do it consistenly enough to feel well and lose weight? Why do I sabotage my own efforts....why?why?why? - the list of whys is endless.

I now know, from many attempts at cleaning up my diet, that the only way I am going to fully and completely succeed is to get the emotional/psychological help I need to deal with the demons that are causing the symptoms in the first place. Remember Kia, the weight is not the problem, its a symptom, a by-product of the problem. Until you fully understand/accept that, I suspect you may struggle, as I have.

I don't know if any of this will help you, I only wanted to share my personal experience and let you know that you are most definitely not alone with these things. I applaud you for sharing such deeply personal things with us...whether you believe this or not, that act in itself is a step towards healing yourself.

My heart is with you Kia!! I trust that you WILL find the way out of this and onto a great healing path, beyond what you could have possibly ever imagined. Its what I hope (try to believe) for myself as well.